jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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