I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
