i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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