My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
