dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
