dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize