you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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