How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
