just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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