Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
