While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
