I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
