I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
