I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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