just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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