Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
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