I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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