I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
