I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize