I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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