I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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