I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
