there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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