Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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