someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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