I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
