Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just high enough for therapy.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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