you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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