did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
