11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize