Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
