my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
