alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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