my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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