Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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