oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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