Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
