That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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