i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
50% drunk capacity currently
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
