If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
