I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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