Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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