Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
