Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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