I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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