Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
