watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Green mimosas i think yes
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize