I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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