The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
