i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
