You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize