I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
