**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
