Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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