areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my mouth tastes like poor choices
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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