Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
