I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
