The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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