On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
